I have noticed, and been told by some friends, that I’ve been coming off a little angry recently. Mostly online. That bums me out but I see it. My friend Jake told me I’ve been arguing too much on twitter, fighting too much on Facebook, and pushing to many buttons. That makes me sad, but I noticed it too.
I’m pissed off.
I’m _________ (fill in the blank).
I think I might be an internet troll (Honesty is the first step to recovery right?). Right?
First of all, I am sorry. I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to be the raw nerve, the pissed off and sensitive liberal, the firecracker activist, or the explosive guy in the corner. Yes, I care deeply. Yes, I’m a guilty white liberal.
But I am sorry. I would much rather celebrate the good things, the successes, the positive steps and I try to. But I also feel left out. I feel too far on the edge. I yearn to be a part of something deeper and meaningful.
At our wedding my best friend and best man Chris gave a speech. He said that before he had met me a mutual friend had described me to him. “He’s gonna change the world.” And at the wedding Chris said that he was sure I would. I was touched. I want to. I feel called to do something, not for the fame or the recognition, but to do something with all of my ability. I feel called to help others, to be creative, and to connect people to life-giving engagement.
But I have no idea how. Or what that thing is. Or what I am supposed to do.
All I know is that I have been close and failed.
Been close and been held at bay. Been close and then pushed back.
And look at me now. At a backwards job that takes the air out of my sails every day.
How am I changing the world? What the hell am I doing?
I know I can do more but what am I not?
And that pisses me off. It makes me angry. I desperately want to be part of deeper relationships, conversations, and causes. So when I feel left out, I insert myself into conversations so I can feel as if there is some movement, some importance, so deeper cry, but what it really is is me railing in the dark looking like an asshole.
I feel left out so I argue with folks on twitter. When I really want to sit with them and talk and learn and discuss.
I feel like a failure so I debate with folks in an attempt to spark up some meaningful conversation but come across like the guy no one wants to talk to at a party.
I’m that guy and I don’t want to be.
I feel called but don’t know how to get there. I feel left out but don’t know of what. I feel lonely but not sure where to go for company.
So I am sorry. I don’t want to be that guy. But I’m that guy. I’ll try harder.